Whenever I see your eyes, I catch a glimpse of your heartache. Then I feel it. The misery of life, keeping you trapped in a world you no longer see. I see, your soul has left already, and is camping in the wild, then waiting for you to return home.
I remember your little eyes. Looking up at the sky. Waiting. Yet you were too little to be heard of felt. You wanted to be brave. To be strong. to be the strongest. You were the wildness of the family. Yet you wanted to be tamed. Yet you were too little to be asked: “how do you feel”. Do you miss her?
My dear sweet child. You did amazing. You showed them how to handle things. I know nobody asked. Because you overacted. You showed them you weren’t bothered. I saw your stomach grumble. Whenever someone called you helpless. Pity eyes broke your walls. The walls you started building to stop the tears from falling. Maybe that’s why you still cannot stop tearing up for the little things. Even after 20 years. But you did great. You always did great.
You skinned your knees. To show how hard you were. You climbed on trees. As if you don’t care. You never fought for life. Because you didn’t know what life is. You were too little to know things.
You have an amazing memory that remember things since you started crawling. I see your Goosebumps when you recall things that you aren’t supposed to remember. But I also know that you don’t remember a day. A day that you lost it. The day that you want to remember. But you can’t remember beyond the last goodbye. Oh sweet honey, did you erase that memory? Was it too hard for you to remember how you felt? Did you cry a lot or did you not understand? Still, nobody asked I know. And your brain decided to erase one day. Forever. Just like that. I know you don’t remember that day. Anymore.
My sweet little wildflower, you are amazing. You grew up to be the most beautiful soul. I know how hard you tried. Saw how loud you cried. I heard your heart screaming. For help. For hands that you craved but were too busy to notice your madness. I felt your throat burning. But Water couldn’t help anymore.
I saw your ache. You started to rebel. Yet nobody saw why you rebelled. You were often mistaken. Left alone. Misunderstood. All because you overdid it all. You became your own hero. Yet you cried to sleep every night. I’m proud of you. I saw your rebellious eyes. Wanting to breakthrough. Now you are a little older. Now you know things. You wanted to find what was lost. I saw your yearning nerves. To call out the name. To run into the arms of heaven.
Baby girl. I’m amazed. You survived quite heroically. I saw your lungs running out of breath. You started looking for replacements. To fill the gap. You were too pure to be thrown out to the world like that. I saw how scary it was for you. To step out. To trust again. Hold hands again. To smile again.
I saw your cute little smile. Again. It took long enough. I was proud of you. I started to think. Is there anything she cannot handle? She lost her world yet she fought back. She ran towards the end of the cliff. But she never jumped. She never went hiding. Yet she ran to the cliff almost every day for a little period longer than you think. But she never jumped. She lived. She decided to live. I saw her kicking the demon in the nuts every morning. And I was proud of her. My little wildflower.
But I saw the sadness taking over. Again. I saw you starting to crumble. Again. And this time it was a complete shatter. I saw your heartbreaking. Into pieces that I was worried you ll never find them again. I tried to warn you. But it was too late. You lost again. And this time the damage was too big to handle.
My beloved wildflower. I saw how you struggled to breathe. It was real this time. I saw you choking to catch some air. You were blind. From tears. I tried to clear your eyes. But the dam was broken this time. I couldn’t handle your pain. I saw you trying to end things. To stop the pain. I felt your pain. In the eyes. In the chest. and In your trembling hands. I saw you struggle to keep the phase between your heart and lungs. It was a terrible night. I thought I almost lost you that night. The wildest night. All alone crying to sleep. It took you 3 days. To catch that breath.
And finally, you caught it. You got out of the bed. I saw you gulp down your sorrow. And you flushed it down the toilet. I saw you washing away the dust. It was too quick. I was worried again. But you didn’t shake this time. I saw your lips getting red. Your eyebrows getting drawn again. And then you did it. Again. You smiled. I saw you smiling again. And then I knew. You are doing it again, aren’t you?
You are my shadow and you are everything I have here. In this wilderness of life. And it started to hurt. Seeing you shattered. I saw your fake smile. Again. And this time something was off. No, it was OFF. You switched it off didn’t you? Like the last time. Like how you erased your memory of a dreadful night. This time it was your heart. Am I right? Was it that painful? How do you feel now?
Nobody asked. I saw your eyes crying. Still. But your face bright. Shining. Because you wash away all the sadness while crying to bed every night. I saw you making decisions. To find a purpose to live. I wanted to help. But now you had plans. Plans that didn’t include your heart. Not anymore.
Yes, this is life. Now you know it. You learned a lot. I’m proud of you. You came so far. All alone. And now you know a lot more than your age. It was a curse and it was a blessing. That’s how you are thinking now. I can read your mind. I know you more than anyone now. And I still love you I hope you know that.
Little love. I only want you to know this.
“You cannot be upset over people who didn’t choose you. You cannot cry over people who cannot lift their feet off shallow and swim deeper. You’re brave. You left the shallow when you were too little. They were scared of the waves. You are deep in the ocean. They camped on the hills. You are the mountain that was far too high for them to reach. You were an amazing view. At the top of the mountains. But they were satisfied with the hills. Oh honey, do you see it now? Wilderness scares the weak who have only loved the tamed. And my sweet love. You were born to shine. To lead the wild. To befriend the wolves. Not to run away and hide. Nor to breakdown and end”
My sweet little wildflower. I will take you in my arms. And I will rock you to sleep. Every night. Everyday. Until you find your longing. Until someone finds you, and until everyone sees you. For whom you are. And I will stay closer to your heart. And try to put the switch back on. To beat again. To love again.
Oh, my sweet little wildflower. Let us catch the wind now. And sail until we catch the thief.